The Fabulous Life of Jobin Hume

Things I don't care about

Me: I don't care about Jon and Kate plus eight
Candie: I do. They are on my TV and I pay to watch them. That makes it my business.

This is the problem. Other things I don't care about that Candie keeps me posted on include Candy and Tori Spelling, and several series of The Real Housewives... The pop culture thing I care the very very very very least about is Heidi and Spencer. Who decided they should be famous? Why am I subjected to them so often?

Good Auntie

Me: we can go anywhere you want for lunch
Them: old country buffet! (with great enthusiasm)
Me: I don't know where that is
Jordyn: ask the talking computer in your car

Sadly, it did know where to find one so here we are. Candie who claims to love them was unable to attend. Nice.

Since I was posting restaurant reviews anway...

The Happy Gnome:

Decent patio, but cryptic menus and lazy waitresses bug me.  For example - what would you think this description includes?

Farmer Bob Tomato Tartar

basil, capers, olio verde, garlic Crostini (capitalization theirs)

When asking useless waitress for clarification, she informs me that it is one of her two favorite SALADS on the menu, she really likes the raw tomatoes - hence the "tartar".  What would you think this is?  In my mind it is some kind of sliced tomatoes with basil and dressing and perhaps a slice of toasted bread.

I can't believe I don't have a picture to show you how much it is BRUSCHETTA.  Seriously.  Toasted bread with chopped tomatoes and shredded cheese (not mentioned) on top.  

What is wrong with whoever wrote this description?  More importantly what is wrong with the waitress that she would describe this as a salad?

Perhaps this post is less lame if I had a picture.  Trust me, you would be irritated as well.

Conversely, I inhaled Terri's burger which she didn't love but I did, so you can give it a try for yourself.

PS - I don't need flash in a restaurant website.  Thanks.

Really, we are that unhip? Cause I think we are awesome!

Just playing with the design for this page.  There is a "city scape" theme section with the usual suspects - San Francisco, Chicago, NYC.  Nothing for Minneapolis, which didn't offend me until I saw that they had one for Kiev.  Are there that many Ukranian bloggers on Typepad?

Speaking of Minneapolis, I have been downtown 3 times in the last 2 weeks for dining and drinks, which is way more than usual since I don't work there anymore.

My reviews:

Barrio Tequila Bar - cool, but overrated.  Tiny cramped bar and while I don't like Margaritas, I did like the one I got there, but there is no way I am waiting for a table at this place much less standing around hoping to catch the bartender's eye.  Enjoyed time here with Ryan who is on the verge of moving to Seattle to start a whole new life.  Good for him, sad for me.

Masa - great dinner.  Interesting drinks with fresh fruit...saddened they no longer have my favorite dish which included orange chicken and rice with pineapple, sweet potatoes and pine nuts.  Excellent company - great to spend time with Heidi and Jen.

Zelo - same as always, nothing has changed there since they day they opened.  Having said that, it isn't bad, just not fresh.  I was here twice in one week, and it was 'meh' both times - no complaints but nothing to write home about.  Heidi tried some espresso martini that tasted like ass.  She enjoyed it however, and continued to enjoy it as she was up half the night.  Go Heidi.

Prohibition - my new favorite bar in town - at the top of the W Minneapolis - Foshay Tower.  I am a TOTAL SUCKER for fancy martinis and this place delivers.  So far I had one with dry ice in it and one with an orchid floating in it.  Because that is what my other drinks have been missing.  Foliage.  I am also a sucker for paying alot of money for snacks that I could easily make at home but instead pay tons of money for other places.  I was introduced to this place by Ryan, and then when bringing other friends there - they commented "I feel like I am on vacation in my own town - this is like we are in some other city!" 

For example - here is a perfect bar table as far as I am concerned:

We may have the bachelorette party at Living Room which is downstairs, but will not be staying there. They want almost $400 a night for a regular room.  In Minneapolis.  Which is absurd.  I am not particularly price sensitive, but they have got to be joking.  I am dying to know who is paying that much. Anyway.

Lastly - not downtown, but a place I have really enjoyed every time I have been there is Cafe Maude. They have excellent food and again, interesting drinks.  I really don't drink that often, contrary to the tone of this post.  Last time I was there with Carla, Krista and Kelly - the best thing that ever came out of AWC. Such fun.  Anyway, they had some cocktail that came with a lottery ticket in it.  I know.  Again, I am a sucker.  I did win a dollar and I am still carrying it around waiting for the perfect place to cash it in for a new one since I am certain that it is really worth $10,000 since I was with my girls!

Blurry picture of my newly-skinny-always-awesome friend Kelley with the winning ticket:

In case those speeding tickets catch up with you

Brother: I think I'd do well in prision.

Jobin: What are you basing that on?

Brother: I'm a coalition builder.  I'm personable and social.

Jobin: That is true actually.  Good luck.

Bob Hume: Inventor, Fisherman, Rancher

Candie just called me all whipped up because my dad was talking to someone about "putting in some clover for the cattle to graze".

Apparently there is some consideration of raising some cows on his friend's land so they can "harvest" it.  Candie isn't eating harvested meat.  I can't understand how this is different from other meat.  She claims that it is bloody.

Now, I don't know if I have blogged about this before, but I call myself the "ignorant carnivore" meaning that I eat meat, but I don't want any information about it's previous existence.  I don't want fish with the head still on, or meat served on the bone or anything like that.  I certainly don't want to choose my own crab or fish in China, although after being at a street market, I understand why they consider freshness an important feature of a meal.

As far as I am concerned, all meat comes pre-marinated and shrink wrapped on a little tray from the meat fairy at Kowalskis.  I eat boneless, skinless chicken breasts, sandwich meat turkey, fish and occasionally a fast food hamburger, but that doesn't really count as meat anyway it is so gross.

Back to Candie's concern about the harvested cow. All meat is bloody.  That is why they put the little pad in the styrofoam tray when you get it at the store.  She claims that they bought part of a cow one other time, and it was gross.

I asked if a professional butcher couldn't accomplish the same function, she explained that he would be too cheap to hire it done.

The point is, I can't believe that:

A - we are even having this discussion

B - she is more concerned about the bloody meat than the fact that he IS PLANNING TO RAISE CATTLE

C - this is any different that the elk, venison, geese, turkeys, pheasant, ducks or fish he brings home.

Everything under item "C" is categorized at the Hume house as "Beast" and can only be stored in the "Beast" fridge in the garage.  It can only be cooked on the "Beast cooking station" which is a grill dedicated to this job that we don't cook other meat on. Beast is often marinated in/injected with whiskey which I am sure is the primary appeal of the beast.

Candie has now unseated me as the most ignorant carnivore ever.

Like I said, Ashley is getting married...

We went shopping for dresses, and it was relatively painless because she was pretty reasonable, but also due to the excellent coaching from Courtney's friend Rebecca who has been both a bride and a sister of a bride.  There are some stock answers that you are to repeat NO MATTER WHAT. For example:

Bride: How does this dress make me look?

You: You look beautiful

Bride: Does it make me look fat?

You: You look beautiful

Bride: Do you like it more than the other one?

You: You look beautiful

Bride: I will never find anything that doesn't make me look fat!

You: It is your special day, you will look beautiful

Bride:  Do you like this one more than the other one?

You: I am sure you are making the right decision

Bride: Is this the right shade of white?

You: You look beautiful

You get the idea. The problem is that I am a big believer in the "tell the truth faster" school of thought, especially when dealing with THOUSANDS OF CHOICES.  So, when she sent a picture of a dress that made the model look fat, why fart around with not just saying that and crossing it off the list.

But, when you go to actually try them on it is a different story.  I agreed to the Rebecca Forman Method of Bridal Attire Feedback listed above.  Everything was going fine until I started deviating from the script.  Courtney, my mom and Ashley's MOH Madelyn were with on this shopping adventure and Ashley does not want to be placated, so she wanted us to rank the dresses Iron Chef style based on design, color and fit - and give each one a ranking of 1-10.  Courtney was the secretary.  Ashley wanted us to vote out loud, but I totally decline that - I believe this voting should be anonymous and silent if you want to get to real results.  

On the first dress, Courtney voted 10.  She asked for my vote and I said it had to be anonymous so I wanted for Ashley to go change into a new dress.  I then whispered that I thought it was only a 5.  Courtney put me down for a 10 anyway.  She was staying "on message".

So, ultimately after 4 dresses, there was one that was a good choice but then I opened my big mouth and said that she didn't have to pick a dress the first hour that she was shopping for one.  She could take some time and look around, the wedding isn't even until October.

Courtney has always looked like Drew Barrymore.  Remind me to find some pictures showing this later.  Anyway, at that moment, she really most resembled Drew in "Firestarter".  If she had that special skill I would be in the burn unit right now.

All is well that ends well however, because she found a dress somewhere else that she really loves, you can see from the look on her face that it is perfect.  I am not posting a picture right now, because it isn't time yet, but I assure you it doesn't look like this:

or this:

PS - if you get this veil, you are dressing like a stripper at your own wedding

So, Ashley is getting married

I am super excited that my sister Ashley is getting married.  First of all, she is happy and that is important, obviously.  Second of all, I really like her fiance, Aaron.  They say you marry someone like your opposite sex parent and I didn't think that was going to be possible, but it turns out she found him. With regard to the wedding budgeting she referred to him as the "Iron Fist of Finance" which makes me laugh 3 times each day.  Thirdly, this means some nieces and/or nephews will follow and I am triple excited about that.

This is, however, confirmation that I will definitely elope.  Planning weddings sucks.  She has been a total not bridezilla and I have had very little to do am still not interested in this level of drama.   Someday you will get a call from me that says "Hey, guess what?  I got married last weekend."   I need to start with getting a date first, but that is another post for another day.

Attention those surrounding brides.  Keep your opinion to yourself.  They have enough input without your two cents.

I'm Just Saying

Just because you call it a "Cosmetic Procedure" doesn't mean it's not a tattoo....

I am adding a category called "Vanity" since there are several related posts to follow

You may call me MacGyver

I had a plan that I would have hired an artist to recreate the events of this day in a comic book format, but since that hasn't happened yet, I will just paste the email I wrote to my brother and sisters last week when my dad (the "He" mentioned below) got stuck in his own room:

He got trapped in their room today, the door was stuck due to a wind tunnel that slammed the door so hard it broke.  

He and mom worked on it for at least half an hour before I got involved – mainly passing things under the door so he could try to break the handle off.  Then I sent her downstairs, so the good news is we won’t come from a broken home. 

I had to shove fishing line under the door.  Not the kind he asked for because it wasn’t available.  He didn’t believe me so I had to read the label on each and every spool in case I am too dumb to read, while he screamed muffled commands under the door. Then he took out the window screen and lowered the fishing line down the side of the house.  I tied a bag with a hammer and a screwdriver to the fishing line and he hauled it up the side of the house.  Then, he banged around to take the pins out of the hinges and I had to throw myself on the door from the outside until he was finally free.  And the door was broken.  And the screen was out.

His necklace was useless, so I assume he is going to onboard a few more attachments now so he will have more options in the future

I am not making this up.  Seriously.

In case you are wondering what "The Necklace" is, that is one of several necklaces my dad has made so he can keep things about his person in case he should need them.

The "every day" necklace includes staples such as a compass, keys to his and my mom's cars, house key, flashlight (one of several on his person at any given time), medical alert tag, and miscellany I am sure I am not remembering now.  These items didn't help him free himself from the room, so I am sure there will be some additions.

Now, for different occasions, there are specialty necklaces.  For example, the fishing necklace pictured below has all the accessories you might want with you while fishing.  Including a small container for bait, which Candie refers to as "the around-the-neck maggots".  Swear to God, I am not creative enough to imagine this.  It is real.

Regular fishing necklace:

Close up of Bait - notice it is blurry because I was laughing as was the person holding the necklace (not Bob):