The Fabulous Life of Jobin Hume

Let the games begin

I can't believe it is finally here.  Ashley and Aaron are getting married and we are looking good.  Professional photos to follow - but here is a funny one of my girls before we start crying

 

My favorite people in the whole world
 

Courtney as the school principal 

New Requirement

I have had mashed potato bars before but never as yummy as this. I didn't know corn could be a condiment, but it now needs to be standard.

Typical Friday night, Rachel getting a little action

Candie is the victim of an unfortunate red wine spill by the waitress. This is fundamentally funny, but not as funny as Rachel trying to fix it up with the worlds smallest tide pen. I also like it that she is copping a feel at the same time.

Play by play analysis

I am at my sisters bachelorette party. I am older than all these girls and more judgemental so I will be posting lots of snarky comments. Stay tuned

Things I don't care about

Me: I don't care about Jon and Kate plus eight
Candie: I do. They are on my TV and I pay to watch them. That makes it my business.

This is the problem. Other things I don't care about that Candie keeps me posted on include Candy and Tori Spelling, and several series of The Real Housewives... The pop culture thing I care the very very very very least about is Heidi and Spencer. Who decided they should be famous? Why am I subjected to them so often?

Good Auntie

Me: we can go anywhere you want for lunch
Them: old country buffet! (with great enthusiasm)
Me: I don't know where that is
Jordyn: ask the talking computer in your car

Sadly, it did know where to find one so here we are. Candie who claims to love them was unable to attend. Nice.

In case those speeding tickets catch up with you

Brother: I think I'd do well in prision.

Jobin: What are you basing that on?

Brother: I'm a coalition builder.  I'm personable and social.

Jobin: That is true actually.  Good luck.

Bob Hume: Inventor, Fisherman, Rancher

Candie just called me all whipped up because my dad was talking to someone about "putting in some clover for the cattle to graze".

Apparently there is some consideration of raising some cows on his friend's land so they can "harvest" it.  Candie isn't eating harvested meat.  I can't understand how this is different from other meat.  She claims that it is bloody.

Now, I don't know if I have blogged about this before, but I call myself the "ignorant carnivore" meaning that I eat meat, but I don't want any information about it's previous existence.  I don't want fish with the head still on, or meat served on the bone or anything like that.  I certainly don't want to choose my own crab or fish in China, although after being at a street market, I understand why they consider freshness an important feature of a meal.

As far as I am concerned, all meat comes pre-marinated and shrink wrapped on a little tray from the meat fairy at Kowalskis.  I eat boneless, skinless chicken breasts, sandwich meat turkey, fish and occasionally a fast food hamburger, but that doesn't really count as meat anyway it is so gross.

Back to Candie's concern about the harvested cow. All meat is bloody.  That is why they put the little pad in the styrofoam tray when you get it at the store.  She claims that they bought part of a cow one other time, and it was gross.

I asked if a professional butcher couldn't accomplish the same function, she explained that he would be too cheap to hire it done.

The point is, I can't believe that:

A - we are even having this discussion

B - she is more concerned about the bloody meat than the fact that he IS PLANNING TO RAISE CATTLE

C - this is any different that the elk, venison, geese, turkeys, pheasant, ducks or fish he brings home.

Everything under item "C" is categorized at the Hume house as "Beast" and can only be stored in the "Beast" fridge in the garage.  It can only be cooked on the "Beast cooking station" which is a grill dedicated to this job that we don't cook other meat on. Beast is often marinated in/injected with whiskey which I am sure is the primary appeal of the beast.

Candie has now unseated me as the most ignorant carnivore ever.

Like I said, Ashley is getting married...

We went shopping for dresses, and it was relatively painless because she was pretty reasonable, but also due to the excellent coaching from Courtney's friend Rebecca who has been both a bride and a sister of a bride.  There are some stock answers that you are to repeat NO MATTER WHAT. For example:

Bride: How does this dress make me look?

You: You look beautiful

Bride: Does it make me look fat?

You: You look beautiful

Bride: Do you like it more than the other one?

You: You look beautiful

Bride: I will never find anything that doesn't make me look fat!

You: It is your special day, you will look beautiful

Bride:  Do you like this one more than the other one?

You: I am sure you are making the right decision

Bride: Is this the right shade of white?

You: You look beautiful

You get the idea. The problem is that I am a big believer in the "tell the truth faster" school of thought, especially when dealing with THOUSANDS OF CHOICES.  So, when she sent a picture of a dress that made the model look fat, why fart around with not just saying that and crossing it off the list.

But, when you go to actually try them on it is a different story.  I agreed to the Rebecca Forman Method of Bridal Attire Feedback listed above.  Everything was going fine until I started deviating from the script.  Courtney, my mom and Ashley's MOH Madelyn were with on this shopping adventure and Ashley does not want to be placated, so she wanted us to rank the dresses Iron Chef style based on design, color and fit - and give each one a ranking of 1-10.  Courtney was the secretary.  Ashley wanted us to vote out loud, but I totally decline that - I believe this voting should be anonymous and silent if you want to get to real results.  

On the first dress, Courtney voted 10.  She asked for my vote and I said it had to be anonymous so I wanted for Ashley to go change into a new dress.  I then whispered that I thought it was only a 5.  Courtney put me down for a 10 anyway.  She was staying "on message".

So, ultimately after 4 dresses, there was one that was a good choice but then I opened my big mouth and said that she didn't have to pick a dress the first hour that she was shopping for one.  She could take some time and look around, the wedding isn't even until October.

Courtney has always looked like Drew Barrymore.  Remind me to find some pictures showing this later.  Anyway, at that moment, she really most resembled Drew in "Firestarter".  If she had that special skill I would be in the burn unit right now.

All is well that ends well however, because she found a dress somewhere else that she really loves, you can see from the look on her face that it is perfect.  I am not posting a picture right now, because it isn't time yet, but I assure you it doesn't look like this:

or this:

PS - if you get this veil, you are dressing like a stripper at your own wedding

So, Ashley is getting married

I am super excited that my sister Ashley is getting married.  First of all, she is happy and that is important, obviously.  Second of all, I really like her fiance, Aaron.  They say you marry someone like your opposite sex parent and I didn't think that was going to be possible, but it turns out she found him. With regard to the wedding budgeting she referred to him as the "Iron Fist of Finance" which makes me laugh 3 times each day.  Thirdly, this means some nieces and/or nephews will follow and I am triple excited about that.

This is, however, confirmation that I will definitely elope.  Planning weddings sucks.  She has been a total not bridezilla and I have had very little to do am still not interested in this level of drama.   Someday you will get a call from me that says "Hey, guess what?  I got married last weekend."   I need to start with getting a date first, but that is another post for another day.

Attention those surrounding brides.  Keep your opinion to yourself.  They have enough input without your two cents.